what does she give you that i can’t

what makes her so much better

why am i not in her place

don’t i give you more than she ever has

why is she the one you want to badly

wasn’t i here first

i’m scared i can’t be good enough for anyone

i’m scared i can’t give him enough of me to make him stay

i’m scared i won’t have what it takes to be truly his

i’m scared you ruined me forever

you are my best friend

the only one i have left

i can’t live without you

i can’t stand to see her with you

she doesn’t know who you really are

she doesn’t know who you can be

she doesn’t know what happened between you and i

this isn’t fair

this isn’t right

i’m so lost and torn and scared and worried and alone

where do i go from here

what do i say anymore

who do i turn to….when you have left me so far behind….

What is it about her that makes her so much better than me?

The fact that you are doing the same things to her that you did to me makes me feel so confused.

You said I was no more than a friend, yet we still did things…fun things, intimate things…

Now you are starting on the same track with her, I can feel it.

I feel so used and torn and lost, unsure what to do.

You are such a tease every day, and it hurts me to no end.

My life it turned upside down, and I don’t know what to do.

I feel acid in my veins whenever I think of you and her…whenever I see her around, even.

She is such a nice girl, but to just jump in like she did and not even think of me…maybe she’s not as nice as she seems.

I gave you so much, yet you don’t seem to appreciate it a whole lot.

I guess it was to be expected, but it still hurts.

I hurt.

I cry.

I feel alone.

I feel betrayed.

You are such a dickhead, an asshole, a jerk, a giant two-faced liar…

but yet….

I can’t get over you.

I can’t lose you.

I can’t let her just have you.

I can’t just let you slip away.

So tell me, what is is that  makes her so different from me?

What is it that makes you feel like you have to treat her the same, but say it is different?

What is it……that makes me less than good enough for you?

I miss the way you sound.

I miss the way you feel.

I miss the way you pick on me.

I miss the way you talk.

I miss the way you smell.

I miss the way you smile.

I miss the way your stinky breath washes over my face as we sleep.

I miss the way we joke.

I miss the way you make me feel happy.

I miss you so much that it hurts.

Not caring.

Not trying.

Not looking.

Not listening.

Not feeling.

Not caring.

Not wishing.

Not caring.

Not caring.

Not caring.

Not caring.

Not dying….

Not caring is too hard, why can’t you just stay here with me? What does she have that I haven’t already given to you?

Not caring.

Not caring.

Not caring.

notcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaring

notcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaringnotcaring

Not yours.

Should I really have to guess what it is you are thinking? What it is you want from me?

Should I really be playing this game with you? Never knowing what is real?

Should I really care about you? In any sort of way?

Should I really even be trying? 

Should I really keep wishing for you?

Should I really even want you anymore?

Should I really start to love you?

My dreams of you have become more frequent. They always leave me feeling hopeful. The same thing I desire in each gets better each time. Maybe one day the dreams will come true…. I want them to. I need them to.

I just dream of kissing you.

For I have sinned.
Things I never wanted to do.
Things I never wished to happen.
Things I never knew could be true.

This was never supposed to happen.
This was not what I wanted.
This cannot happen.

I told myself I was through.
I told myself I was broken.
I told myself I was happy.
I told myself I was okay.

Forgive me, for I have sinned.
I lied. I cheated. I broke. I lost it. I messed up. I saw a way out.

Now I am lost, abandoned, torn.
Now I have no one to talk to. No one to trust. No one to believe in me.

I guess I’ll run away. I guess I’ll find a new way.

But I still need you.
I still have to have you.

Forgive me…

Sexually frustrated, lost in the world. I never know where to turn, who to trust. I feel so tossed and broken. Used and forgotten. I want the answers I can’t find on my own. When will I stop getting pushed one way and pulled the other? Can I just have that one guy who would tell me I’m beautiful and keep me protected from those who want me to be their slave….?

I wish I knew what to do with you.
I wish I knew if you really want the same things.
I wish we were surely on the same page.
I wish I could trust you to treat me right.
I wish we were a lot simpler together.
I wish things made more sense.
I wish I could just tell you how I feel.
I wish you would understand.
I wish you would tell me the truth about us.
I wish so many things.
I wish my wishes would come true.

I wish…

by ~StudingTheMasters

“You’re confusing me.

One moment gentle and kind;
the next rash and hurtful

That mask of sarcasm waivers when
you meet my eyes

Are you afraid to love?
Or has love been too elusive for your grasp

Absentmindedly your hands work
perfecting-gently-smoothing and shaping

Your hands know love, so do your eyes
Is that why they seem to sparkle at my touch?

Let your words flow,
no longer held captive in the expectations of others

Love me,
I love you.”

credit to http://studingthemasters.deviantart.com/

Just too perfect to pass up.